he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
just tripped. bootyfest 2012 will be my engagement party. i saw the whole future. i'm moving to the beach.
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
Absolutely. I could drink and smoke that memory away in a matter of years at my current rate.
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
That hot guy just got to class and he's eating a bagel sandwich. I dunno which I'm more attracted to
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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