I hate to tell you this, but your sister reeks of whore.
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
Definitely contact high. Thirty miles an hour listening too i can see clearly now wanting too eat the steering wheel
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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