why does he think he needs to feed/take me out to get some ass? we are at a bar wasting my fucking time
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
Randomize
