dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers
are you high?
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
I'm pretty sure I have PMS because I almost just cried about not being able to find a place that gives acrobat classes here.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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