It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
I didnt expect it either. But she was there and I had a boner, so i made it happen.
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
smell my finger.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
Randomize
