I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
Could someone please kill snooki before she contributes to the gene pool.
What baked good do you think says thanks for being a great tutor, lets bang?
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
In honor of the internet blackout, I think everyone needs to change their Facebook pictures to ones of them being blacked out.
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
Randomize
