Your face is a jimmy john
I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
seems the shocker is way more shocking if u get the fingers wrong
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her"
I stand by it.
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
I was literally so lonely last night that I stopped watching a video on porn hub and just read the comments
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
Randomize
