if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
After last night, I could never be a politician.
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
I may be a little fuzzy on this, but I think at some point I said something about being a generous lover.
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
Randomize
