My friends, they love my intelligence
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
I haven't even lived here for 24 hours yet, and I've already banged someone. My new hoe life is off to a great start.
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