Can Purell be used as lube?
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
He's the conductor of the struggle bus
I RODE THAT FINE PIECE OF STRUGGLE BUS
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
Face washed and sleeping pill taken. Here's hoping for a more sex filled tomorrow.
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
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