Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
just watched a girl laugh at her own fingers... it's not even noon...
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
crossed #23 off the Slucket List!
YOU JUST MADE YOUR SLUCKET LIST THIS MORNING.
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
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