i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
Cruel joke of nature. Hair on head runs from face, and hides on various parts of body. Aging sucks.
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
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