never have i ever had a craving for dick this badly
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
Mid thrust, say hold on I need a pic for my friend.
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
Randomize
