All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
Randomize
