i can't wait to go to hell
yeah...all of my friends will be there for sure
So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
Was it fun? The night started with home made Jager and ended in him falling out of a tree with a pocket full of house numbers...you tell me.
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
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