I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
Call it a failed empirical study as to whether drugs would make her more interesting. or at least better in bed.
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
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