so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
WHAT KIND OF GUY JACKS OFF TO A PICTURE OF A BUTT WHAT IS THIS THE 1980s
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
She looked so much better when u didn't look at her and the music was too loud to hear her
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
Randomize
