so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
porn star boner night. come get it.
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
Randomize
