My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
Someone just pulled taco bell tacos out of their purse in class....2 problems with here. 1) this class is nutrition 2) taco bell is not open this early.
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
