mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
sent a snap of my boobs out to my FWB his response was what happened to your other nipple ring.. how do I say it got ripped out by my other FWB last week without sounding like a slut
Well let me fuck you while I make potatoes. It's every girls dream
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
i have a serious question for you... Why I am i not wearing any pants?
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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