So we fuck and I say, "I'm about to go." He tells me, "No, leave at ten.. just lay here for a little while." When I ask, "Why?!" He gets his feelings hurt and says, "ugh. or don't." Since when did guys start acting like girls?
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
its liver damage thursday
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
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