My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
so id say it was a successful trip...i only got hit on by one cousin...
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Randomize
