I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
Is he smart?
Why would i know that. That would deal with the top half of his body. I only deal with the bottom half.
I think I'm on the verge of a really slutty period in my life
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
Randomize
