..now you can marry chaz and be in cher's family..
yeah n i dont have to pretend to be into chicks to do it now...
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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