So, how was the dinner
Just like the ex wife, cold, fatty, and expensive.
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
You can make out without kissing
Explanation needed
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
Randomize
