upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
If everything I've heard is true, then she's lost her virginity three times
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
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