she was wearing a cheetah print one-piece and i slept with her anyway. big mistake.
I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
it was beautiful and magic like when a hot girl grabs her own tits and smiles at you
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
too bad we didn't bet. my 38-1 tears would have made great lubrication for a blow job.
she has no right to get mad at us for drinking during the wedding. she's the one that chose the bridesmaid dresses with pockets.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Randomize
