you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
bowling with tennis balls and shot glasses. whatever you dont knock down after 2 rolls, you drink.
just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
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