you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
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