I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
Ill trade u your bra for a run to the liquor store...
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
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