I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
We all told you to throw up but you just stuck your head in the toilet and screamed..
You do resemble something that has been used as a chew toy.
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
apparently ive been in a long term relationship for the past 1 1/2 years w/ out knowing
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
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