Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
YOU CAN'T GET A TATTOO BECAUSE OF KPOP FANFICTION. THAT'S NOT HOW LIFE WORKS
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
Randomize
