Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
Randomize
