I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
its Niagara falls. its like international waters. You can get away with anything there
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
Randomize
