woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
Randomize
