I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
Hhahaha he is. Omg the new polish friend just took his pants off in front of me. There is something wrong with this nationality.
I don't think my prof knows we've noticed her No Bra Fridays.
Hey if there is a better reason to go drink then "I've been fucking robbed!" I have yet to hear one. Also, I've been fucking robbed.
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
Randomize
