Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
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