apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
Old men and throwing up are my life now.
let's bang
You're in my phone as 'Weird Bus Guy' so I think my answer's no.
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
We're not piercing ourselves today.
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
I don't know where I keep finding these guys, but mi power bottoms es su power bottoms.
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
Randomize
