you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
Randomize
