She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
By the way, anytime you want to go toe to toe on Doggystyle lyrics just let me know!
Who is this? Did we just become best friends?!
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
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