and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
