Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
I just put my hair into this ponytail & it looks hideous & really cool at the same time. I am dedicating it to the hangover I have
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
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