I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
That's actually very serious....I really do think of you whenever is see pizza
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
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