Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
Do you remember trying to eat gravel when we were walking back to the dorm?
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
You me handle of captain and a sorostitute study sesh, if we don't get laid mancards must be relinquished
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
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