I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
This baby is an asshole
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
Come share oat with me in your robe
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
It was horribly awesome. Its like looking at the sun, you know its bad for you but I just couldn't stop looking.
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
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