He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
Thank you, I really appreciate that. I know I couldn't participate in class tonight and I hope that doesn't affect my grade too much. So please let me know of any extra credit opportunities such as fellatio
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
I'm dangerously close to tossing this whole "morals" bullshit and swan-diving into the fuckboy lifestyle.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
Randomize
