I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
Reggie can tackle my bush.
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
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