How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
We're hate flirting, damnit.
Randomize
