I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
Randomize
