hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
Is pulling weed out of a vagina a good thing or a bad thing?
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
what's not responsible about a pool full of beer?
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
