I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
well it was great until i saw his anime body pillow
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
Randomize
