a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
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