Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
is it normal that we went to that class once and both got 100's on the final? ohhhh, arizona state.
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
Randomize
