i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
Well I disagree, 3 different men in my bed over my birthday was the perfect way to say goodbye to my childhood innocence
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
It's isn't revenge sex until you've cum on her porcelain doll collection.
Not after That Night. No. I hate tequila. And it hates me. Very mutual hateship going on.
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
Randomize
