Why are handjobs necessary in class?
You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
Randomize
